What If. . .

was a

As a vampire, Martha Stewart would be meticulous.

• She would hand make a coffin to sleep in during the day, complete with refrigerator and wet bar stocked with rare blood types.
  
• There would be redwood paneling on the inside and out, with black satin lining, and French filigree. There would also be mahogany inlay in the shape of a bat, with cedar edgings.
  
• Martha would also do a needlepoint coverlet done up with petit-point lace.
  
• She would hand polish the wood with a soft wax, buffing by hand.
  
• She would mine the silver herself, creating the mold and pouring the silver herself for the candlesticks at either end.
  
• Martha would have her own personal hive of bees for the beeswax candlesticks, which she would dye with natural materials. She would add gold to the wax so her red candlesticks would have a special luster.
  

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• She would decorate the room in her special bedchamber herself, featuring things like red watered silk and satin, and crushed black velvet. The carpet would probably be white or burgandy plush.
  
• A special skylight would permit easy exit on those wonderful moonlit nights when flying is a must, yet it would have special tinted glass to prevent any problems with ultra-violet radiation. The latch would be easily worked from the outside as well as the inside, complete with an electronic combination lock, and a remote-control latch release in order to permit those special visitors who might fly over to visit.
  
• Martha would have a coroner's table in her kitchen and a siphoning device for removing fresh blood from her "donors". These would be fed a special diet to give just the right flavor to each meal. Those who did not survive the donations would be composted, later to be used for her expansive garden of night-blooming orchids and other rare plants in her special greenhouse in back of the house.
  
• The greenhouse would be equipped with special lights without the ultra-violet part of the spectrum for those special nights when she tends her plants. Soft music would play constantly to enhance the growth of her favorite flowers.
  
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• Martha's house would have a deck running completely around it, which would overlook a mountain lake. There would be a closed-in patio for those rainy nights when entertaining would be soggy.
  

More on the subject as I think of things. If you want to add to this list, e-mail me at:

(sorry, you'll have to type it in--this is spam protection).

Bon appetit.

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