Just a Few Laughs

The comics, poetry and jokes on this page are my own, unless otherwise noted. If you use them, please have the courtesy and honesty to give credit where credit is due. Provide a link to our pages by using: http://www.humboldt1.com/~starfire/comics.html. I have tried to give credit to those who have given me material, as well.

Observations and Rude Comments (next page) I am an equal opportunity offender.
Great Bumper Stickers
Innovations that will never catch on
Poetry: The Unsneeze and The Sun
A Comic / Things I wonder about / Bottom and links

Observations and Rude Comments
An article which caught my attention:

"SUPERVISING PSYCHIATRIC NURSE - NIGHT SHIFT - $2,997 - $3,658 mo. plus benefits. County of Humboldt. Directs nursing on the night shift at the impatient psychiatric facility (underline added by me). . . "
Hmmm. I guess they have to get over whatever mental illness they have quickly, or else.

A woman I know has two sons, one of whom is a priest. Does she call him father?

Under the heading of "he forgot with whom he was dealing":

A teacher of mine was talking about timed reading as opposed to paced reading. I looked at him blankly, and then had to ask whether or not it might be sticky. I had heard "paste reading," and it took me a moment to realize he meant "paced reading." One of my classmates, of course, was sure he had said "paste eating." The conversation tended to devolve from there.
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Page Three
Later someone mentioned a thought that simplified authentic texts for ESL students, as opposed to simple (non-changed, but less complex) texts, might tend to put ESL students in a plastic bubble. My reaction was one of a mime trying to get out of a bubble, which was mirrored by the classmate to my left. Giggles. I really don't know whether it was tiredness or just silliness. Even the teacher made a comment about it really hurting when someone mentioned "running your eye along the page." It wasn't a full moon. I checked.

I found this in a drawer. I removed the address and did not include the phone number for the sake of privacy. I don't know the owner, but I used to live close by. It's a bit dated, but good: From the June 28, 1998 Times-Standard, Eureka, California
Houses for Rent - MANILA
XXXX Peninsula
2 bedroom, 1 bath,
fenced yard, garbage paid.
$525 month plus deposit.
Dog concerned with additional deposit.

Why? Why is the dog concerned with the additional deposit? I still want to know!

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Page Four

I don't know who said it: "Vegetarians eat vegetables -- Beware of humanitarians."

A teacher I met says one of her kids asked whether or not they really have to put a pyramid at the end of every sentence. According to the Public Defender I talked to recently, it would only apply if they wrote in Egyptian hieroglyphs. He suggested that there be parole at the end of every sentence. Hmmm. I think that comes mostly after you're tried as an adult, but I didn't ask him.

Another teacher says one of her students named the three types of angles: Acute, Right, and Obscene. "Whoa! We're not going there yet," she said. They were fourth graders, I think.

A question posed by my Dad. If you wear bifocals, how do you drive a nail in the ceiling above your head? Think about it.

I want to be an astronomer. They get paid to stare into space.

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Page Five

A classic. One of the teachers passed this along:

A boy was writing about disappointment as a theme. He states: "I don't always get what I want for my birthday. I wanted a dog. I got a cat. It had fleas, then it had kittens. The kittens pooped on the carpet and I had to pick it up. It smelled bad." I think he knows a lot about disappointment, don't you?

Someone sent me this one. Forgive me, I don't remember who it was: Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.

Kindergarteners don't care about dignity. That's why I love to be around them.

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Page Six

I watched helplessly recently as a young child walked up to a table in a restaurant, picked up the salt shaker, and licked the top. His mother said something like "Oh! Don't lick that! You don't know how clean it is!" I was shocked, but then she finally said, "besides, you just made it dirty for everyone else." Darn right! But did she take the shaker up to the counter to have them wash the top? Nope. EEEEW!

Quote from my sister: "There's a certain amount of lunacy in normalcy."

Studying abroad has nothing to do with Women's Studies.

What do micro-attorneys say? I protist! (Something wierd for the biologists out there.)

I keep seeing cars and pickups from some company called Airborne Express. Shouldn't they be flying planes instead?

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Page Seven

I keep seeing signs that say "patrolled by Radar." Is that what he did after he left M*A*S*H?

Sometimes I wonder who writes the headlines and what he or she is thinking. Example: Eureka Times-Standard front page headline from Friday, January 15, 1999 reads "Beagle killer sentenced to life term." From the heading, you would think that the killer was sentenced because he shot a beagle. Heaven forbid we should worry about the man he tried to kill! You have to read the article to find out that it is actually about Lewis Anthony Greene, 34, from Honeydew, California, who shot Tony Brux, and shot and killed his beagle. Greene was convicted by a jury in October of premeditated attempted murder, a charge that carries a term of life with the possibility of parole. He was also found guilty of the enhancement of personally using a firearm and causing great bodily injury, which means a separate, consecutive term of 25 years to life.

Next page / Great bumper stickers / Page Two / Page Three / Page Four / The Darwin Awards / Innovations that will never catch on / Poetry: The Unsneeze and The Sun / An original cartoon / Things I wonder about / Bottom and links




Page Eight

I was passed recently by a Ford pickup that must have been going at least 75 mph (that's miles per hour, oh metric people). There was a bumper sticker on it that read "Speed Kills." I couldn't read the rest, as he went past too quickly. I caught up with him later at a stop light (a lot of good that speeding did him!), where I was finally able to read the next line, which said "Buy a Chevy, live forever." Oh. I guess driving a Datsun has no impact, then.

The kids in second grade are learning about contractions like "you're." They call them "contraptions," though.

Overheard in a used clothing store: "It's credit--it's not like it's money!" Somehow this kind of thinking makes me wince. I'm glad I'm not paying her bills!

I noticed on a calendar that there is a National Coming Out day. Is there a National Going In day also, or do we have to stay outside?
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Page Nine

I belong to a news group in which one character who posts has annoyed just about everyone else. The talk recently has been in terms of muting or censoring him. If you mute someone, does that mean they have to post in smaller fonts, with no capitals?

My favorite sign, found in Sunnybrae Animal Clinic: "Your veterinarian will be with you in a moment. Sit! Stay!"

I'm tired. Can I be a sit-down comedian?

"Music should not hurt." --Wade Hendricks

"If you'd just do what I say, there wouldn't be any argument!" --John Pretzer (Grandpa)

Of course, my all time favorite bumper sticker has always been "Stumper Bicker." It just has a ring to it.

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Page Ten

Whenever I use my teller card in a store, they ask "Credit or Debit?" I want to say "Credit! Sure! Put more money in my account!" I know they mean credit card versus using a teller card as a debit card, but I can't help my first reaction.

Another great quote from Wade: "It is my right, and my priviledge! I don't have to be accurate!

I was in an auto parts store. Beside the little trees with scents were scented dream catchers. Aside from the insult to native American culture, something I'm used to by now, I couldn't help but ponder. Not only were these scented, but I wondered about something else in particular. The idea of a dream catcher is that, while sleeping, they catch your dreams so you can have only good dreams. Sounds really nice, doesn't it? Okay, so why would I want one in my car? Is this for people who fall asleep at the wheel? Does this make sure that the person dies happily when they run over the cliff or into the tree while asleep? Do these really belong there, next to the cheap looking scent trees?

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Page Eleven

A quote from Londo Mollari, Babylon 5: "The universe is insane. Anything else would be superfluous."

Something else I want to know. The label reads "Extra Virgin Olive Oil." There was an extra virgin lying around? What does this have to do with olives, anyway?

I heard Honda is bringing out a new motorcycle called the "Valkyrie." At first I thought it was a car, but I caught the tail end of a commercial. Anyone else out there wonder about this? Right. I want to buy a motorcycle based on a mythology in which goddesses ride onto a battlefield to collect the souls of dead heroes to take them to Valhalla. Excuse me, but is there anyone else out there bothered by this? Do you really want to buy a motorcycle that reminds you of dead men on a battlefield and women on flying horses collecting dead souls? Oh well, at least it's better than the Probe.

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Page Twelve

I'm looking for a solution to a problem. I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and asthma. My inhaler makes my hands hurt. When I go to the store for anti-inflammatory drugs (which shall remain nameless, because I refuse to endorse them), I have to walk past the soap aisle. Some soaps give me asthma, others make me sneeze. So here I am, going to get medication for my wrists, and I have to hurt them because of asthma brought by a visit to the store in order to buy medication for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Do you sense a vicious circle here?

Your math lesson for today:

Translation: Pi are not square; pi are round. Cobbler are square.

Friends of mine had a moving sale. I never could find it.

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Page Thirteen

Another undocumented windows error: WinErr: 0560 Brain not engaged. Synapses not found. Please insert brain and press return to continue.

Having known people who have had their teeth straightened, I have become suspicious of the phrase "old family retainer."

I never seem to have problems with will power. It's won't power that I never seem to have.

When people sneeze, I now say "Gesundheit," followed by, "May your Gesunds never loosen." I like the reactions I get.

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Page Fourteen

It was pointed out to me recently that politics comes from the ancient Greek word poli, meaning many, and tics meaning blood suckers. Gee, that sounds right, for some reason.

Innovations that will never catch on:
  • Friction free brake pads. (This idea from Steve, a friend of mine)
  • Dentist chairs with vibra-massage.
  • Crunchy toilet paper.
  • Antacid pills with hot, spicy flavor.
  • Tooth yellowing agents for toothpaste.
  • Eyeball piercing for the trendsetter (also, see comic below on uvula piercing).
  • Creamed corn flavored ice cream.
  • Clap on/clap off theater lights.
  • Velcro upholstery (except in outer space, where they might need them). My sister accidentally gave me this one. She meant to say velvet, but, pardon the expression, it stuck.
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Page Fifteen

For those of you with allergies. I feel your pain. . .

THE UNSNEEZE

Oh agony without a name,
Incipient sneeze that never came!
You tickled and teased and ran about
My itchy nose, but would not come out.
I have to admit I'm glad you left,
But without the blast, I feel bereft.
(Where the heck do sneezes go,
When they tickle your nose and refuse to blow?)

Evaonne F. Hendricks, 8/10/96

Gesundheit.

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Short but sweet:
The Sun
The sun is fuzzy and red at dawn
'Cause he still has his pajamas on.

October 18, 1974 10:30 A. M.


Comic
Things I wonder about
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Hey! It's not a bad word! Lighten up!

Things I wonder about
Back up to observations
Innovations that will never catch on
Back to The Unsneeze
Comic
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Things I wonder about:

  • Why are there doors marked "EXIT" in the hospital with signs that say "This door must remain closed at all times?" How are we supposed to exit, then? Do we fold ourselves neatly and slip ourselves underneath? Are we supposed to become mist and flow out like Dracula?
  • Why do they call it menopause? It doesn't pause, it eventually stops. In fact, why call it men anything? It really doesn't have anything to with men, does it? Well, maybe it has something to do with making men pause, or giving men pause, or something like that, but really, shouldn't it be women-o-pause?
  • Paradox? How much for just one?
  • If you have more than just one paradox, are they paradoces? Paradoxen?
  • If someone is misfortunate, is there also a misterfortunate?
  • Why do I always sneeze in threes?
  • Why are skunks attracted to fog? Whenever I see a skunk, it is either foggy, or it's dead on the side of the road and the fog happened earlier.
  • If you break a pair of scissors in half, is each half now a scis?
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Things I wonder about, continued.
  • I know the words "invaluable" and "valuable" are similar, in that "invaluable" means you cannot place a value on something because it is worth so much, whereas valuable means something expensive or dear, but shouldn't they be opposite? Shouldn't "invaluable" mean "worthless"?
  • Why do they call it siding? Don't they put it on the front and the back of the house, too?
  • Why is it called toothpaste? It doesn't paste your teeth together, it's supposed to help clean them. Shouldn't it be called tooth cleanser?
  • Why do they call it hair creme? It doesn't make hair grow; it doesn't make hair go away, either. All it does is goop hair up so it doesn't blow around. Shouldn't it be called hair paste, or hair goop?
  • Does anyone give tickets to police who park in handicapped zones and red zones?
  • Why does it take the DMV three weeks to do the picture and information on my license when the same process takes less than an hour down at CostCo?
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Things I wonder about, continued.

  • Why do checkers ask whether we want paper or plastic when the things we're buying are already wrapped in plastic and sealed?
  • Do people get really mad at handicapped folks who have a parking placard and don't park in an open handicapped spot because they could have left a normal space for someone and taken the remaining handicapped space? I know I have a placard, and I feel guilty when I don't park in a handicapped space when one is available, because some poor person out there is probably looking for a space, but can't park in the handicapped space, and I've taken his or her only spot. Maybe I worry too much.
  • Why is "flammable" and "inflammable" the same thing? Shouldn't they be opposite?
  • Why are they painting the lines and slow signs on our street instead of fixing all the potholes? Isn't it hard to paint around all the holes in the street? All the cars look like they are being driven by drunk drivers because they are trying to avoid all the potholes.
  • We say "gesundheit" or "bless you" when people sneeze. Why don't we say anything when they cough or hiccup?
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Things I wonder about, continued.

  • Why do they call it shortening? Nothing becomes shorter. Shouldn't it be called fattening? After all, that's what it really does.
  • Why is it called sawdust? It's obviously wood fibers. Shouldn't it be called wood dust? If it was really saw dust, it would really be metal filings, wouldn't it?
  • If it's fee, why do I have to pay money?
  • Why do they call them vacuum cleaners? A vacuum is the cleanest thing imagineable. There aren't any molecules in a vacuum. In fact, there is no "there" there.
  • By the same token, why call them hot water heaters? If the water is already hot, it doesn't need heating.
  • Why do they dispense pills in child-proof bottles to patients with arthritus and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
  • Do flowers sniff us back?
  • If we go to the metric system, what will we call a wiseacre?
  • Why do "bless you" and "gesundheit" both sound like someone sneezing?
    •
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My! You look tasty!

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This page updated 1/2/2007.